Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Truth...Strength...Fight...Confidence

Today you shared.  Your truth. Shared your darker thoughts.  I don't think they are the darkest, but who of us wants to see our darkest thoughts put down in words, or spoken out loud.  It's like we have jinxed ourselves if we do.  But you brought us in to what is going on in your mind.  Gave us the truth as you know it.  For me, the only way I can be a good support-a good sister, is to know what is going on.  I need to know when to build you up, and when to back off.  So I am glad you heard me when I told you to share.  Please keep sharing.

Being strong is instinctual in us.  By us, I mean women, mothers, sisters.  We take the weight of the world on our shoulders and support and nurture it.  You will have to be strong in this next battle for life.  But you do not have to be strong for me.  I have enough strength for us both.  So if you are having a shit day and the light at the end of the tunnel looks like a mere pinprick that is miles and miles away, I want to know.  I want the truth.  If you are feeling depressed and angry, then put it out there.  I am the queen of comedic change of topic, and maybe I can make you laugh when you don't think you have it in you.  Maybe I'll piss you off in my ignorance of what to say, but I'm okay with that too.  Whatever it takes to get through the day.

The road you are travelling on is so foreign to me.  I have experienced cancer.  Both my grandfathers died of emphysema...a cancer of their own making.  But you didn't make this cancer.  You didn't invite it in and you sure as hell didn't ask for it.  But you can fight it.  I know you will fight it.  I'm just saying, I've got your back.  The bell has rung and round two has begun.  Tap me in when you need a break.  I can't take the cancer from you, but I can help relieve the heavy load of other things going on.  Just know that I am not a mind reader and if you need a break, want some time to yourself, you need only ask and I will be there.

So right now you are scared, and you are angry.  I know there is nothing I can say that will help ease that.  I can be unemotional and logical and rehash what the doctors are saying.  I can stay dry-eyed and pretend I'm not torn up inside.  But I can't do all of that.  I will be sad, with you.  I will angry, with you.  I will be scared, with you.  I will cry, with you.  And that is my choice.   I chose you, your friendship, your love.  I chose you for the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Cancer is definitely the ugly, but it won't scare me away.  I'm betting on the hand dealt, and I am all-in.

Please remember that you are not alone in this.  You have an amazing husband to support you.  Amazing family to help hold you up.  Amazing friends, who fall into the family category too, who will move mountains for you.   You will beat this.  I say so.  And don't scoff in what I say happens.  I mean it.  I am confident in you.  Confident that you will creep out of your bad, dark place.  Confident that you will come at this gloves off, ready to do damage.  Confident that your story has barely begun.

CANCER

More specifically, Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma is cancer of the lymphoid tissue, which includes the lymph nodes, spleen, and other organs of the immune system.


One of my best friends, my sister, my co-conspirator of 25+ years has this disease.  First diagnosed in 2002 she went through many different treatment options and after a couple of years was declared in remission.  


Remission until last summer when her cancer came back.  Very small at first.  Low grade.  The doctors said scans every three months and we will see if there is growth or if this will go away on its own.  Stage one, Watchful Waiting.


As of todays test results, it has grown.  She is not ready to talk about it.  I don't know what stage it is in.  I don't know what treatment will be decided on.  Chemotherapy, Biological Therapy, Radiation Therapy to name a few.  When she is ready she will break it down.


So until then, I sit alone crying, knowing she is doing the same.  Knowing she is scared of what this means.  Knowing her husband is scared and worried and stressed.  Knowing she is imagining her two year old son growing up without her.  Knowing she has to tell her oldest son who is away at college.  Knowing he will worry.  Knowing she will have to tell her almost 16 year old and 14 year old sons who were too young to truly know what was going on the first time.  Knowing she will have to explain it to her 10 year old step-daughter and 6 year old step-son.  Knowing she will have to tell her family, her parents, her grandmother.  Knowing they will worry, and stress, and cry right along with her.  


Right now is black and heavy.  


Right now is scary and over-whelming.


Right now is cancer.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Decisions Decisions

So a job offer came in today.  A temporary job.  I had already convinced myself that I wasn't getting hired and had convinced myself that clearly school was the answer.  Then I get a voice mail saying if I'm still interested, call.

I am torn.

I feel like taking the job is the responsible thing to do.  But my mind is set on going back to school for the degree I never got the first time around.

My oldest son says stick with school.  With a degree, my chances of a better job, and better paying job, are much greater.

Either way, it means living with my parents that much longer.  School doesn't allow for me to provide a house, pay the bills, etc.  But neither does a temporary job.

I guess I'm really not torn.  It is clear that it is school I want to do.  I just am having anxiety over turning down a job.  I am afraid of screwing up...again.

GAH!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Apologies

Okay.
I wasn't there the first time.  I knew.  I hadn't moved out of state yet.  And I wasn't there.
I called, you told me what it was, but I didn't really understand.  It was too much to take in.  I disappeared.

So.
Another friend called.  "You may not want to be my friend after I tell you this."
I sit there on the phone, at work, thinking there wasn't anything that would cause me to stop being her friend. She tells me her story.  I tell her, "so what?  I don't blame you!"  And we move on.  Where was that attitude with you?

Then.
There I was.  Trying to be single again.  Trying to be a single mother.  Living with my parents because I couldn't support the three of us.  Working a full time job, but not having a clear plan for the future.  I was depressed.  Probably more so than I am aware, even now looking back.  I was sad and lonely.  I was in a situation where I felt the pressure to be what I wasn't...who I wasn't.  What I saw in you, I couldn't reach in myself.

And.
I move.  I try life back where it fell apart.  I learn to support three people.  I learn to be who I want to be.  To live life the way I want to.  I rediscover me.  I find my inner strength.  And change comes again.  We move, again.  And once again, I am back in my parents home.  But this time I am strong enough to be me.  Strong enough to handle this twist in life's road.  And strong enough for you.

Now.
It's back and I'm back and we are back.  And though this time I am here, I don't know how to be there for you.  I don't know the right words to say, or what words not to say.  I want to be a support.  I hope I am a support.  But I still don't really understand.  It's not too much to take in though.  I am ready this time.

My Point.
I failed as a friend the first time.  I will not fail this time.  So know that I've got your back.  When you need a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend, I will be there.  We've had an odd friendship over these past 25 years, filled with some amazing times.  And I know we will make the next 25 unforgettable!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Spring once again


Once again I find that the loss of cold weather brings about the color I have been missing.  I love winter.  I love cold days and colder nights.  I love to layer my clothes and add scarves to everything.  Sadly we do not get much winter here.



Before I am ready, the days heat up.  The shine of the sun is brighter and lasts longer.   The humidity expands, thick enough to make you think you could have asthma.  But, pear trees flower and roses bloom and suddenly there is color in the world where there had been bare branches.  Color that you had forgotten about.



That is when I realize that I really do like Spring.  I love to get out and take pictures of the flowers and blooming landscapes.  I love to watch the animals frolicking about.  I love the feel of the sun as it burrows under my skin.  I love that I feel happier.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

It's Been One Week

So, it has been one week of living in my parents home.  One week of finding the balance.  One week of my teenage boys sharing a room again after having five years of their own space.  One week of cooking for five instead of three.  One week of cleaning the old house only to come back to clean the new.  One week of learning a new schedule.  One week of determining a new family dynamic.  One week of saying I'm sorry, of you saying you are sorry.


One Week by the Barenaked Ladies keeps playing in my head...it kind of applies :)


It's been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side and said I'm angry
Five days since you laughed at me saying
Get that together come back and see me
Three days since the living room
I realized it's all my fault but couldn't tell you
Yesterday, you'd forgiven me
But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry

Hold it now and watch the hood wink
As I make you stop think
You'll think you're looking at aqua man
I summon fish to the dish although I like the Chalet Swiss
I like the Sushi 'cause it's never touched a frying pan
Hot like Wasabe when I bust rhymes
Big like Leann Rimes
Because I'm all about value
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits
You try to match wits, you try to hold me but I bust through
Gonna make a break and take a fake
I'd like a stinkin' achin' shake
I like vanilla, it's the finest of the flavors
Gotta see the show 'cause then you'll know
The vertigo is gonna grow
'Cause it's so dangerous
You'll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad?
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean? Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air and said you're crazy
Five days since you tackled me
I've still got the rug burns on both my knees
It's been three days since the afternoon
You realized it's not my fault not a moment too soon
Yesterday, you'd forgiven me
And now I sit back and wait till you say you're sorry

Chickity China of the Chinese chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Watchin' X files with no lights on
We're dans la maison
I hope the smoking man's in this one
Like Harrison Ford I'm getting frantic
Like Sting I'm Tantric
Like snickers guaranteed to satisfy
Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay, I don't make films
But if I did they'd have a Samurai
Gonna get a set of better clubs
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs
Just so my irons aren't always flying off the back swing
Gotta get in tune with sailor moon
'Cause the cartoon has got the boom Anime Babes
That make me think the wrong thing

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad?
Tryin' hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of losing my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me
Dropped your arms to your sides and said I'm sorry
Five days since I laughed at you and said
You just did just what I thought you were gonna do
Three days since the living room
We realized we're both to blame
But what could we do?
Yesterday, you just smiled at me
'Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry

It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry
It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry
Birch mount stadium, home of the Robbie