More of the same

So, I have mentioned cancer previously.  My sister has NHL.  This journey with cancer is not over.  


We are not sisters by blood.  We are sisters by choice.  Intertwining souls and hearts have led us to this place where we have each other.  We are together, through the good, the bad, and the ugly.   


There are actually five sisters, besides me.  Ana, Heather, Joanna, Leah, and Luisa.  There used to be Kristina, but I don't think she could handle this groupe de six.   That is another story for another day.  One I don't feel like telling.  Not now anyway.


Of the five sisters, the one I know best and have known the longest is Ana.  She is the one with cancer.  We met when she was 13 and I had just turned 15.  We had the same basic circle of friends and were both unhappy with that circle, though we didn't know the other felt that way at the time.  It actually took a few years before we discovered each other for who we are.  But once we did, what a time we had.


Marriages were made, babies were had, divorces ensued.  New husbands, more babies.  Moves across country, and back again.  We've packed a lot into 25 years.  


Now as we enter 2012, we do so with cancer still on the table.  We had thought we would be celebrating remission.  But Rituxan did not do it's job.  It isn't it's fault though.  It worked the first time and isn't known for being completely reliable the second go around.  We hoped though.  We fought.  We prayed.  But this particular journey isn't over.


So 2012.  We bring in the new year with more hope.  We also are bringing fear. Now, Ana has to move into chemo.  Real chemo.  The plan was her to be a bit older before taking that step.  The plan was to not have a port for many, many years yet.  But cancer thwarted that plan.  September and October were spent with Rituxan treatments.  Treatments that we thought, hoped, prayed would lead to remission for a second time.  Treatments that would put off the port, and traditional chemo, for many more years.  But Ana's body didn't react to the Rituxan.  Didn't acknowledge it's presence, other than getting sick and exhausted.  Rituxan didn't put even the slightest dimple into any tumor.  No change.


So in two weeks, she goes to MD Anderson for a full work up.  A second opinion on what the next step should be.  This step is the first time I have appreciated the doctor that she loves.  This was his suggestion.  


Ultimately, she will start a traditional chemo based treatment, probably in February.  What kind of chemo will be determined after results from MD Anderson.  There is also some radioactive something or other, but I don't think now is the time.  What we know for sure is that any kind of chemo will mess with her.  She will lose hair.  Maybe all, maybe not.  Maybe even her eyebrows and eyelashes.  This saddens her.  She is admittedly vain and it is hard blow to lose something you are proud of.  And really, how do you prepare for that?  You know logically, mentally, how it will be.  But how do you prepare yourself emotionally?


She plans to cut her hair off.  Probably after she has been through the testing at MD Anderson.  Once she knows which treatment she will be embarking on.  My first thought is to make that day special.  A girls day.  Hair and nails and cocktails.  I was thinking I would cut my hair off as well.  I think I will hold this information tight, and surprise her with it.  Some people have 'shave your head' parties and some feel worse for having their friends and family do that.  I will talk to her, once she is ready for the cut.  Maybe we have enough hair to be able to donate to Locks of Love.  


So, 2012 will bring chemo.  Every third week.  While going through this, she will have her kids, all six of them, going through birthdays.  Jadon will turn 20, Justin will turn 17, Jace will turn 15, Abbie will turn 12, Adam will turn 9 and Landry will turn 3.  All within the next six months.  Then her nephew, my son Jordan will turn 18 and graduate high school.  And another nephew, my son Jonah, will turn 17 two weeks before Justin.  All in the next six months.  And there is more.  Events that will happen, that she won't miss.  Plus she will work.  Cancer doesn't pay for itself.


Six months.  We will hope.  We will pray.  We will fight cancer.

Misunderstood

It was not my intent to create drama and I am sorry if it did for you.  Maybe an hour before your email hit we had a short chat on facebook and I wanted him to know why I wouldn't be around any longer.  It has been seven weeks of emotions running on high.  People experiencing different life altering changes.  Communication failing.  Words said that are unrecoverable.  We have all failed each other.

I wish you happiness and peace as you move on in life.  I hope you find the balance and harmony you need.  

So, I discovered Pinterest and it has me completely sucked in.  I’ve found so many ideas, from crafts to wardrobe to meals to make.  After ‘crafting’ some tissue paper flowers, complete with glitter, for my sisterloves, (word stolen from Kristy-it is perfect), last day of treatment, (wretched cancer), I realized that the crafting bug had me by the throat and I wasn’t done quite yet.

With our weather sitting happily in its transition phase, and me not knowing if I’ll be hot or cold one moment to the next, I decided it was time to break out my scarves.  Scarves are the best accessory ever.  Enter the t-shirt scarf.  I ran across this how-to, (on pinterest), and pinned it, thinking I could totally do that.  Today I gave it a shot.

Here is how I went about it:

Step one, find an old t-shirt, (or new), and cut off the top third.

And move on to step two:  add fringe along the bottom.  I started with a very Native American moccasin looking fringe and scaled down from there.

At this point I started thinking, why stop here?  Why not bling it out just a bit??  So I created my own steps:  fabric rosettes.

Step three, take a strip of fabric and tie it in a knot:

Moving on to step four, twist the fabric around the knot.  Fabric glue is helpful here, but I don’t have any and used a good old needle and thread to maintain order in my circle. 

I finished it off with a couple of beads.  Here’s a shot of the finished rosette:

And while I’m blinging, why not add some beads and bells to the fringe??  Step five, bling this baby out:

I didn’t go extreme with it, just enough to catch the eye…and hopefully make someone say, ‘I love your scarf! Where did you get it?’  Then  I can say, ‘why thank you, I made it myself!’  Finished product:

Hmmm, looks better on….

Yay, something new from something old!  Now I jingle a little when I walk…bonus J

Mother's Day

Mother's Day.  A day to celebrate your mother.  A day to be celebrated by your children.  As a friend put it, Mothers Day means celebrating with the ones who gave you stretch marks...on your belly and on your heart.  


Today, my two started my day with a simple Happy Mother's Day.  That in itself is joyous to me.  Just the acknowledgement.  Then my youngest made me lunch.  They kept ice in my glass all day.  


We're all doing our thing, having a good day.  And then, 'clink, clink, clink...' continuously, on and on.  Clink, clink, clink.  The noise was driving me crazy.  I go see what is going on and see my oldest counting out all their saved change.  They want to go to the store for water balloons.  So I give him all my change in an effort to stop the clinking!  Silver is better than copper, right?


They go off to the store and come home.  They don't want me in their room.  I know they've got something going on and it involves me so I go back to kitchen to check on the crock pot.  They come in and hand me a card.  Super sweet and personalized with a ''love you and appreciate all that you do for us'' which made me cry.  Then they hand me a dark chocolate orange.  Hugs go around and I know I am loved. 


They even got their water balloons and had a war outside.


Happy Mother's Day to all.

Truth...Strength...Fight...Confidence

Today you shared.  Your truth. Shared your darker thoughts.  I don't think they are the darkest, but who of us wants to see our darkest thoughts put down in words, or spoken out loud.  It's like we have jinxed ourselves if we do.  But you brought us in to what is going on in your mind.  Gave us the truth as you know it.  For me, the only way I can be a good support-a good sister, is to know what is going on.  I need to know when to build you up, and when to back off.  So I am glad you heard me when I told you to share.  Please keep sharing.

Being strong is instinctual in us.  By us, I mean women, mothers, sisters.  We take the weight of the world on our shoulders and support and nurture it.  You will have to be strong in this next battle for life.  But you do not have to be strong for me.  I have enough strength for us both.  So if you are having a shit day and the light at the end of the tunnel looks like a mere pinprick that is miles and miles away, I want to know.  I want the truth.  If you are feeling depressed and angry, then put it out there.  I am the queen of comedic change of topic, and maybe I can make you laugh when you don't think you have it in you.  Maybe I'll piss you off in my ignorance of what to say, but I'm okay with that too.  Whatever it takes to get through the day.

The road you are travelling on is so foreign to me.  I have experienced cancer.  Both my grandfathers died of emphysema...a cancer of their own making.  But you didn't make this cancer.  You didn't invite it in and you sure as hell didn't ask for it.  But you can fight it.  I know you will fight it.  I'm just saying, I've got your back.  The bell has rung and round two has begun.  Tap me in when you need a break.  I can't take the cancer from you, but I can help relieve the heavy load of other things going on.  Just know that I am not a mind reader and if you need a break, want some time to yourself, you need only ask and I will be there.

So right now you are scared, and you are angry.  I know there is nothing I can say that will help ease that.  I can be unemotional and logical and rehash what the doctors are saying.  I can stay dry-eyed and pretend I'm not torn up inside.  But I can't do all of that.  I will be sad, with you.  I will angry, with you.  I will be scared, with you.  I will cry, with you.  And that is my choice.   I chose you, your friendship, your love.  I chose you for the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Cancer is definitely the ugly, but it won't scare me away.  I'm betting on the hand dealt, and I am all-in.

Please remember that you are not alone in this.  You have an amazing husband to support you.  Amazing family to help hold you up.  Amazing friends, who fall into the family category too, who will move mountains for you.   You will beat this.  I say so.  And don't scoff in what I say happens.  I mean it.  I am confident in you.  Confident that you will creep out of your bad, dark place.  Confident that you will come at this gloves off, ready to do damage.  Confident that your story has barely begun.

CANCER

More specifically, Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma is cancer of the lymphoid tissue, which includes the lymph nodes, spleen, and other organs of the immune system.


One of my best friends, my sister, my co-conspirator of 25+ years has this disease.  First diagnosed in 2002 she went through many different treatment options and after a couple of years was declared in remission.  


Remission until last summer when her cancer came back.  Very small at first.  Low grade.  The doctors said scans every three months and we will see if there is growth or if this will go away on its own.  Stage one, Watchful Waiting.


As of todays test results, it has grown.  She is not ready to talk about it.  I don't know what stage it is in.  I don't know what treatment will be decided on.  Chemotherapy, Biological Therapy, Radiation Therapy to name a few.  When she is ready she will break it down.


So until then, I sit alone crying, knowing she is doing the same.  Knowing she is scared of what this means.  Knowing her husband is scared and worried and stressed.  Knowing she is imagining her two year old son growing up without her.  Knowing she has to tell her oldest son who is away at college.  Knowing he will worry.  Knowing she will have to tell her almost 16 year old and 14 year old sons who were too young to truly know what was going on the first time.  Knowing she will have to explain it to her 10 year old step-daughter and 6 year old step-son.  Knowing she will have to tell her family, her parents, her grandmother.  Knowing they will worry, and stress, and cry right along with her.  


Right now is black and heavy.  


Right now is scary and over-whelming.


Right now is cancer.

Decisions Decisions

So a job offer came in today.  A temporary job.  I had already convinced myself that I wasn't getting hired and had convinced myself that clearly school was the answer.  Then I get a voice mail saying if I'm still interested, call.

I am torn.

I feel like taking the job is the responsible thing to do.  But my mind is set on going back to school for the degree I never got the first time around.

My oldest son says stick with school.  With a degree, my chances of a better job, and better paying job, are much greater.

Either way, it means living with my parents that much longer.  School doesn't allow for me to provide a house, pay the bills, etc.  But neither does a temporary job.

I guess I'm really not torn.  It is clear that it is school I want to do.  I just am having anxiety over turning down a job.  I am afraid of screwing up...again.

GAH!!

Apologies

Okay.
I wasn't there the first time.  I knew.  I hadn't moved out of state yet.  And I wasn't there.
I called, you told me what it was, but I didn't really understand.  It was too much to take in.  I disappeared.

So.
Another friend called.  "You may not want to be my friend after I tell you this."
I sit there on the phone, at work, thinking there wasn't anything that would cause me to stop being her friend. She tells me her story.  I tell her, "so what?  I don't blame you!"  And we move on.  Where was that attitude with you?

Then.
There I was.  Trying to be single again.  Trying to be a single mother.  Living with my parents because I couldn't support the three of us.  Working a full time job, but not having a clear plan for the future.  I was depressed.  Probably more so than I am aware, even now looking back.  I was sad and lonely.  I was in a situation where I felt the pressure to be what I wasn't...who I wasn't.  What I saw in you, I couldn't reach in myself.

And.
I move.  I try life back where it fell apart.  I learn to support three people.  I learn to be who I want to be.  To live life the way I want to.  I rediscover me.  I find my inner strength.  And change comes again.  We move, again.  And once again, I am back in my parents home.  But this time I am strong enough to be me.  Strong enough to handle this twist in life's road.  And strong enough for you.

Now.
It's back and I'm back and we are back.  And though this time I am here, I don't know how to be there for you.  I don't know the right words to say, or what words not to say.  I want to be a support.  I hope I am a support.  But I still don't really understand.  It's not too much to take in though.  I am ready this time.

My Point.
I failed as a friend the first time.  I will not fail this time.  So know that I've got your back.  When you need a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend, I will be there.  We've had an odd friendship over these past 25 years, filled with some amazing times.  And I know we will make the next 25 unforgettable!

Spring once again

Once again I find that the loss of cold weather brings about the color I have been missing.  I love winter.  I love cold days and colder nights.  I love to layer my clothes and add scarves to everything.  Sadly we do not get much winter here.

Before I am ready, the days heat up.  The shine of the sun is brighter and lasts longer.   The humidity expands, thick enough to make you think you could have asthma.  But, pear trees flower and roses bloom and suddenly there is color in the world where there had been bare branches.  Color that you had forgotten about.

That is when I realize that I really do like Spring.  I love to get out and take pictures of the flowers and blooming landscapes.  I love to watch the animals frolicking about.  I love the feel of the sun as it burrows under my skin.  I love that I feel happier.

It's Been One Week

So, it has been one week of living in my parents home.  One week of finding the balance.  One week of my teenage boys sharing a room again after having five years of their own space.  One week of cooking for five instead of three.  One week of cleaning the old house only to come back to clean the new.  One week of learning a new schedule.  One week of determining a new family dynamic.  One week of saying I'm sorry, of you saying you are sorry.


One Week by the Barenaked Ladies keeps playing in my head...it kind of applies :)


It's been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side and said I'm angry
Five days since you laughed at me saying
Get that together come back and see me
Three days since the living room
I realized it's all my fault but couldn't tell you
Yesterday, you'd forgiven me
But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry

Hold it now and watch the hood wink
As I make you stop think
You'll think you're looking at aqua man
I summon fish to the dish although I like the Chalet Swiss
I like the Sushi 'cause it's never touched a frying pan
Hot like Wasabe when I bust rhymes
Big like Leann Rimes
Because I'm all about value
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits
You try to match wits, you try to hold me but I bust through
Gonna make a break and take a fake
I'd like a stinkin' achin' shake
I like vanilla, it's the finest of the flavors
Gotta see the show 'cause then you'll know
The vertigo is gonna grow
'Cause it's so dangerous
You'll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad?
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean? Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air and said you're crazy
Five days since you tackled me
I've still got the rug burns on both my knees
It's been three days since the afternoon
You realized it's not my fault not a moment too soon
Yesterday, you'd forgiven me
And now I sit back and wait till you say you're sorry

Chickity China of the Chinese chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Watchin' X files with no lights on
We're dans la maison
I hope the smoking man's in this one
Like Harrison Ford I'm getting frantic
Like Sting I'm Tantric
Like snickers guaranteed to satisfy
Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay, I don't make films
But if I did they'd have a Samurai
Gonna get a set of better clubs
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs
Just so my irons aren't always flying off the back swing
Gotta get in tune with sailor moon
'Cause the cartoon has got the boom Anime Babes
That make me think the wrong thing

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad?
Tryin' hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of losing my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me
Dropped your arms to your sides and said I'm sorry
Five days since I laughed at you and said
You just did just what I thought you were gonna do
Three days since the living room
We realized we're both to blame
But what could we do?
Yesterday, you just smiled at me
'Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry

It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry
It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry
Birch mount stadium, home of the Robbie

For Abbie

I remember being ten.
 
I remember not being satisfied with anything about me.
My hair wasn't blond enough, it wasn't long enough, it wasn't straight enough, but wasn't curly enough.
My eyes were brown.  I wanted blue eyes, or green.
I had huge freckles.
I thought my feet were too big, and I was too tall.
I was positive that my stomach was bigger than every one else's.
I felt that I wasn't smart enough, even though I was in the gifted and talented program.
I didn't think I was pretty.
I thought I was fat.
My teeth had gaps and were crooked.
I hated me.

Self image wasn't talked about then.  I didn't have anyone to share my feelings with.  I wouldn't have said anything anyway.  I wanted everyone to think I was in control.  I wanted everyone to think I was perfect.

I could tell you that this all got better in a few years.  But for me, the insecurities lasted into my thirties.  Not all of them, but it took me a long time to come to terms with my body.

What I have learned is:

My hair is never going to be perfect.  I change the color, the cut, whether it is straight, wavy, or curly.  I have fun with my hair now.
My eyes are brown and that is okay.  They are actually quite expressive and one of my better features.
My freckles actually aren't as bad as they used to be.  Not as big or dark.  Now, I think they are cute.
My feet are the size they should be in order for me to be as tall as I am.  I like how tall I am now.
My stomach is now bigger than some, smaller than others.  I could exercise and make it smaller, but I am happy with how I look.  People who really matter to me are happy with how I look too.
I am smart enough.  There are smarter people than me, and that is okay.  There are also people out there not as smart as me.  So long as I can do what I need to do, then I am good.
Pretty is so objective.  I have good days and bad days with that.  So long as I am pretty on the inside, then I am happy.  I would hate to be someone who people said was ugly inside.
I am not really fat.  I am out of shape.  Again, I could exercise, and I do sometimes, but it is just not my focus.  I think that so long as I am healthy, then I am all right.
The summer before eighth grade, I got braces.  They are still straight, with a tiny, little gap between my two front teeth.  It adds character.
I don't hate me anymore.  I am the best me I know how to be.  I can look in the mirror and say, Yeah, you're all right.

I still need to be in control, but I don't think that is a bad thing.  I don't need to be perfect.  No one can be perfect. Everyone has something that they don't like about themselves.  It just usually doesn't matter that much.

I know that I am not alone in my feelings.  I wasn't when I was ten, and I am not now.  

Inbetween

I am in a state of inbetween. Inbetween jobs. Inbetween a relationship. And inbetween homes. I have had to come to terms with this state of being. I have decided that being inbetween is not such the bad thing. I am not stopped. I am looking at where I have been, and calculating where I want to go. I am looking into the future. And in doing so I have realized three crucial points.

1) I have family to fall back on. Parents who are willing and happy to rearrange their lives to include me and my boys.

2) I have friends to fall back on. Those closest to me who support and nurture me when I need it most. The best of the best who choose to love me. No requirements for them.

3) I have my boys to fall back on. They have proven themselves to be well-adjusted and happy teenagers who don't hold their mother's failures against her. Two amazing boys who take life's kicks in stride and stand by my side, looking at the view of the future, offering their support. Their love.

I realize in the grand scheme things of things, I am not a failure. I took a calculated risk in a job that was not a guaranteed permanent position. I don't regret this decision. I had a six month amazing experience working with great people. I learned that I do not want a job that does not challenge me. I learned that my previous job was breaking me down from the inside out and is not an option to go back to. I learned that I have a lot to offer. Ultimately, I learned.

So now I prepare to pack up my belongings. Spring cleaning 101. Now is the time where I question every knick knack and donate all the clothes that "I might get back into one day". I am ready to say goodbye to a house that I really didn't like, though I will miss my privacy. I am ready to embark on a new journey in this same old life of mine. I am ready.

So in this inbetween that I am currently residing, I have planted flowers. My view is sunny with scattered fluffy clouds. My quest is to use this inbetween to better my future and that of my boys.

Game on!

February 2011

Cascade under, waterfall,

Release, retract, relief.

Obscure sense, weighted down,

Settled in opaque silence.

Pulled down, pulled in,

Alone in thought, alone in heart.

No word, no deed, no action,

Stand softly, floating.

Time moves, one stop by one stop,

Slow motion, tide pulls.

Dappled sunlight filters, stillness rises,

Dream, expect, desire; life aspires.