Thursday, March 24, 2011

For Abbie

I remember being ten.
 
I remember not being satisfied with anything about me.
My hair wasn't blond enough, it wasn't long enough, it wasn't straight enough, but wasn't curly enough.
My eyes were brown.  I wanted blue eyes, or green.
I had huge freckles.
I thought my feet were too big, and I was too tall.
I was positive that my stomach was bigger than every one else's.
I felt that I wasn't smart enough, even though I was in the gifted and talented program.
I didn't think I was pretty.
I thought I was fat.
My teeth had gaps and were crooked.
I hated me.

Self image wasn't talked about then.  I didn't have anyone to share my feelings with.  I wouldn't have said anything anyway.  I wanted everyone to think I was in control.  I wanted everyone to think I was perfect.

I could tell you that this all got better in a few years.  But for me, the insecurities lasted into my thirties.  Not all of them, but it took me a long time to come to terms with my body.

What I have learned is:

My hair is never going to be perfect.  I change the color, the cut, whether it is straight, wavy, or curly.  I have fun with my hair now.
My eyes are brown and that is okay.  They are actually quite expressive and one of my better features.
My freckles actually aren't as bad as they used to be.  Not as big or dark.  Now, I think they are cute.
My feet are the size they should be in order for me to be as tall as I am.  I like how tall I am now.
My stomach is now bigger than some, smaller than others.  I could exercise and make it smaller, but I am happy with how I look.  People who really matter to me are happy with how I look too.
I am smart enough.  There are smarter people than me, and that is okay.  There are also people out there not as smart as me.  So long as I can do what I need to do, then I am good.
Pretty is so objective.  I have good days and bad days with that.  So long as I am pretty on the inside, then I am happy.  I would hate to be someone who people said was ugly inside.
I am not really fat.  I am out of shape.  Again, I could exercise, and I do sometimes, but it is just not my focus.  I think that so long as I am healthy, then I am all right.
The summer before eighth grade, I got braces.  They are still straight, with a tiny, little gap between my two front teeth.  It adds character.
I don't hate me anymore.  I am the best me I know how to be.  I can look in the mirror and say, Yeah, you're all right.

I still need to be in control, but I don't think that is a bad thing.  I don't need to be perfect.  No one can be perfect. Everyone has something that they don't like about themselves.  It just usually doesn't matter that much.

I know that I am not alone in my feelings.  I wasn't when I was ten, and I am not now.  

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Inbetween

I am in a state of inbetween. Inbetween jobs. Inbetween a relationship. And inbetween homes. I have had to come to terms with this state of being. I have decided that being inbetween is not such the bad thing. I am not stopped. I am looking at where I have been, and calculating where I want to go. I am looking into the future. And in doing so I have realized three crucial points.

1) I have family to fall back on. Parents who are willing and happy to rearrange their lives to include me and my boys.

2) I have friends to fall back on. Those closest to me who support and nurture me when I need it most. The best of the best who choose to love me. No requirements for them.

3) I have my boys to fall back on. They have proven themselves to be well-adjusted and happy teenagers who don't hold their mother's failures against her. Two amazing boys who take life's kicks in stride and stand by my side, looking at the view of the future, offering their support. Their love.

I realize in the grand scheme things of things, I am not a failure. I took a calculated risk in a job that was not a guaranteed permanent position. I don't regret this decision. I had a six month amazing experience working with great people. I learned that I do not want a job that does not challenge me. I learned that my previous job was breaking me down from the inside out and is not an option to go back to. I learned that I have a lot to offer. Ultimately, I learned.

So now I prepare to pack up my belongings. Spring cleaning 101. Now is the time where I question every knick knack and donate all the clothes that "I might get back into one day". I am ready to say goodbye to a house that I really didn't like, though I will miss my privacy. I am ready to embark on a new journey in this same old life of mine. I am ready.

So in this inbetween that I am currently residing, I have planted flowers. My view is sunny with scattered fluffy clouds. My quest is to use this inbetween to better my future and that of my boys.

Game on!

February 2011


Cascade under, waterfall,
Release, retract, relief.
Obscure sense, weighted down,
Settled in opaque silence.

Pulled down, pulled in,
Alone in thought, alone in heart.
No word, no deed, no action,
Stand softly, floating.

Time moves, one stop by one stop,
Slow motion, tide pulls.
Dappled sunlight filters, stillness rises,
Dream, expect, desire; life aspires.