It was not my intent to create drama and I am sorry if it did for you. Maybe an hour before your email hit we had a short chat on facebook and I wanted him to know why I wouldn't be around any longer. It has been seven weeks of emotions running on high. People experiencing different life altering changes. Communication failing. Words said that are unrecoverable. We have all failed each other.
I wish you happiness and peace as you move on in life. I hope you find the balance and harmony you need.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
So, I discovered Pinterest and it has me completely sucked in. I’ve found so many ideas, from crafts to wardrobe to meals to make. After ‘crafting’ some tissue paper flowers, complete with glitter, for my sisterloves, (word stolen from Kristy-it is perfect), last day of treatment, (wretched cancer), I realized that the crafting bug had me by the throat and I wasn’t done quite yet.
With our weather sitting happily in its transition phase, and me not knowing if I’ll be hot or cold one moment to the next, I decided it was time to break out my scarves. Scarves are the best accessory ever. Enter the t-shirt scarf. I ran across this how-to, (on pinterest), and pinned it, thinking I could totally do that. Today I gave it a shot.
Here is how I went about it:
Step one, find an old t-shirt, (or new), and cut off the top third.
And move on to step two: add fringe along the bottom. I started with a very Native American moccasin looking fringe and scaled down from there.
At this point I started thinking, why stop here? Why not bling it out just a bit?? So I created my own steps: fabric rosettes.
Step three, take a strip of fabric and tie it in a knot:
Moving on to step four, twist the fabric around the knot. Fabric glue is helpful here, but I don’t have any and used a good old needle and thread to maintain order in my circle.
I finished it off with a couple of beads. Here’s a shot of the finished rosette:
And while I’m blinging, why not add some beads and bells to the fringe?? Step five, bling this baby out:
I didn’t go extreme with it, just enough to catch the eye…and hopefully make someone say, ‘I love your scarf! Where did you get it?’ Then I can say, ‘why thank you, I made it myself!’ Finished product:
Hmmm, looks better on….
Yay, something new from something old! Now I jingle a little when I walk…bonus J
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day
Mother's Day. A day to celebrate your mother. A day to be celebrated by your children. As a friend put it, Mothers Day means celebrating with the ones who gave you stretch marks...on your belly and on your heart.
Today, my two started my day with a simple Happy Mother's Day. That in itself is joyous to me. Just the acknowledgement. Then my youngest made me lunch. They kept ice in my glass all day.
We're all doing our thing, having a good day. And then, 'clink, clink, clink...' continuously, on and on. Clink, clink, clink. The noise was driving me crazy. I go see what is going on and see my oldest counting out all their saved change. They want to go to the store for water balloons. So I give him all my change in an effort to stop the clinking! Silver is better than copper, right?
They go off to the store and come home. They don't want me in their room. I know they've got something going on and it involves me so I go back to kitchen to check on the crock pot. They come in and hand me a card. Super sweet and personalized with a ''love you and appreciate all that you do for us'' which made me cry. Then they hand me a dark chocolate orange. Hugs go around and I know I am loved.
They even got their water balloons and had a war outside.
Happy Mother's Day to all.
Today, my two started my day with a simple Happy Mother's Day. That in itself is joyous to me. Just the acknowledgement. Then my youngest made me lunch. They kept ice in my glass all day.
We're all doing our thing, having a good day. And then, 'clink, clink, clink...' continuously, on and on. Clink, clink, clink. The noise was driving me crazy. I go see what is going on and see my oldest counting out all their saved change. They want to go to the store for water balloons. So I give him all my change in an effort to stop the clinking! Silver is better than copper, right?
They go off to the store and come home. They don't want me in their room. I know they've got something going on and it involves me so I go back to kitchen to check on the crock pot. They come in and hand me a card. Super sweet and personalized with a ''love you and appreciate all that you do for us'' which made me cry. Then they hand me a dark chocolate orange. Hugs go around and I know I am loved.
They even got their water balloons and had a war outside.
Happy Mother's Day to all.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Truth...Strength...Fight...Confidence
Today you shared. Your truth. Shared your darker thoughts. I don't think they are the darkest, but who of us wants to see our darkest thoughts put down in words, or spoken out loud. It's like we have jinxed ourselves if we do. But you brought us in to what is going on in your mind. Gave us the truth as you know it. For me, the only way I can be a good support-a good sister, is to know what is going on. I need to know when to build you up, and when to back off. So I am glad you heard me when I told you to share. Please keep sharing.
Being strong is instinctual in us. By us, I mean women, mothers, sisters. We take the weight of the world on our shoulders and support and nurture it. You will have to be strong in this next battle for life. But you do not have to be strong for me. I have enough strength for us both. So if you are having a shit day and the light at the end of the tunnel looks like a mere pinprick that is miles and miles away, I want to know. I want the truth. If you are feeling depressed and angry, then put it out there. I am the queen of comedic change of topic, and maybe I can make you laugh when you don't think you have it in you. Maybe I'll piss you off in my ignorance of what to say, but I'm okay with that too. Whatever it takes to get through the day.
The road you are travelling on is so foreign to me. I have experienced cancer. Both my grandfathers died of emphysema...a cancer of their own making. But you didn't make this cancer. You didn't invite it in and you sure as hell didn't ask for it. But you can fight it. I know you will fight it. I'm just saying, I've got your back. The bell has rung and round two has begun. Tap me in when you need a break. I can't take the cancer from you, but I can help relieve the heavy load of other things going on. Just know that I am not a mind reader and if you need a break, want some time to yourself, you need only ask and I will be there.
So right now you are scared, and you are angry. I know there is nothing I can say that will help ease that. I can be unemotional and logical and rehash what the doctors are saying. I can stay dry-eyed and pretend I'm not torn up inside. But I can't do all of that. I will be sad, with you. I will angry, with you. I will be scared, with you. I will cry, with you. And that is my choice. I chose you, your friendship, your love. I chose you for the good, the bad, and the ugly. Cancer is definitely the ugly, but it won't scare me away. I'm betting on the hand dealt, and I am all-in.
Please remember that you are not alone in this. You have an amazing husband to support you. Amazing family to help hold you up. Amazing friends, who fall into the family category too, who will move mountains for you. You will beat this. I say so. And don't scoff in what I say happens. I mean it. I am confident in you. Confident that you will creep out of your bad, dark place. Confident that you will come at this gloves off, ready to do damage. Confident that your story has barely begun.
Being strong is instinctual in us. By us, I mean women, mothers, sisters. We take the weight of the world on our shoulders and support and nurture it. You will have to be strong in this next battle for life. But you do not have to be strong for me. I have enough strength for us both. So if you are having a shit day and the light at the end of the tunnel looks like a mere pinprick that is miles and miles away, I want to know. I want the truth. If you are feeling depressed and angry, then put it out there. I am the queen of comedic change of topic, and maybe I can make you laugh when you don't think you have it in you. Maybe I'll piss you off in my ignorance of what to say, but I'm okay with that too. Whatever it takes to get through the day.
The road you are travelling on is so foreign to me. I have experienced cancer. Both my grandfathers died of emphysema...a cancer of their own making. But you didn't make this cancer. You didn't invite it in and you sure as hell didn't ask for it. But you can fight it. I know you will fight it. I'm just saying, I've got your back. The bell has rung and round two has begun. Tap me in when you need a break. I can't take the cancer from you, but I can help relieve the heavy load of other things going on. Just know that I am not a mind reader and if you need a break, want some time to yourself, you need only ask and I will be there.
So right now you are scared, and you are angry. I know there is nothing I can say that will help ease that. I can be unemotional and logical and rehash what the doctors are saying. I can stay dry-eyed and pretend I'm not torn up inside. But I can't do all of that. I will be sad, with you. I will angry, with you. I will be scared, with you. I will cry, with you. And that is my choice. I chose you, your friendship, your love. I chose you for the good, the bad, and the ugly. Cancer is definitely the ugly, but it won't scare me away. I'm betting on the hand dealt, and I am all-in.
Please remember that you are not alone in this. You have an amazing husband to support you. Amazing family to help hold you up. Amazing friends, who fall into the family category too, who will move mountains for you. You will beat this. I say so. And don't scoff in what I say happens. I mean it. I am confident in you. Confident that you will creep out of your bad, dark place. Confident that you will come at this gloves off, ready to do damage. Confident that your story has barely begun.
CANCER
More specifically, Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma is cancer of the lymphoid tissue, which includes the lymph nodes, spleen, and other organs of the immune system.
One of my best friends, my sister, my co-conspirator of 25+ years has this disease. First diagnosed in 2002 she went through many different treatment options and after a couple of years was declared in remission.
Remission until last summer when her cancer came back. Very small at first. Low grade. The doctors said scans every three months and we will see if there is growth or if this will go away on its own. Stage one, Watchful Waiting.
As of todays test results, it has grown. She is not ready to talk about it. I don't know what stage it is in. I don't know what treatment will be decided on. Chemotherapy, Biological Therapy, Radiation Therapy to name a few. When she is ready she will break it down.
So until then, I sit alone crying, knowing she is doing the same. Knowing she is scared of what this means. Knowing her husband is scared and worried and stressed. Knowing she is imagining her two year old son growing up without her. Knowing she has to tell her oldest son who is away at college. Knowing he will worry. Knowing she will have to tell her almost 16 year old and 14 year old sons who were too young to truly know what was going on the first time. Knowing she will have to explain it to her 10 year old step-daughter and 6 year old step-son. Knowing she will have to tell her family, her parents, her grandmother. Knowing they will worry, and stress, and cry right along with her.
Right now is black and heavy.
Right now is scary and over-whelming.
Right now is cancer.
One of my best friends, my sister, my co-conspirator of 25+ years has this disease. First diagnosed in 2002 she went through many different treatment options and after a couple of years was declared in remission.
Remission until last summer when her cancer came back. Very small at first. Low grade. The doctors said scans every three months and we will see if there is growth or if this will go away on its own. Stage one, Watchful Waiting.
As of todays test results, it has grown. She is not ready to talk about it. I don't know what stage it is in. I don't know what treatment will be decided on. Chemotherapy, Biological Therapy, Radiation Therapy to name a few. When she is ready she will break it down.
So until then, I sit alone crying, knowing she is doing the same. Knowing she is scared of what this means. Knowing her husband is scared and worried and stressed. Knowing she is imagining her two year old son growing up without her. Knowing she has to tell her oldest son who is away at college. Knowing he will worry. Knowing she will have to tell her almost 16 year old and 14 year old sons who were too young to truly know what was going on the first time. Knowing she will have to explain it to her 10 year old step-daughter and 6 year old step-son. Knowing she will have to tell her family, her parents, her grandmother. Knowing they will worry, and stress, and cry right along with her.
Right now is black and heavy.
Right now is scary and over-whelming.
Right now is cancer.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Decisions Decisions
So a job offer came in today. A temporary job. I had already convinced myself that I wasn't getting hired and had convinced myself that clearly school was the answer. Then I get a voice mail saying if I'm still interested, call.
I am torn.
I feel like taking the job is the responsible thing to do. But my mind is set on going back to school for the degree I never got the first time around.
My oldest son says stick with school. With a degree, my chances of a better job, and better paying job, are much greater.
Either way, it means living with my parents that much longer. School doesn't allow for me to provide a house, pay the bills, etc. But neither does a temporary job.
I guess I'm really not torn. It is clear that it is school I want to do. I just am having anxiety over turning down a job. I am afraid of screwing up...again.
GAH!!
I am torn.
I feel like taking the job is the responsible thing to do. But my mind is set on going back to school for the degree I never got the first time around.
My oldest son says stick with school. With a degree, my chances of a better job, and better paying job, are much greater.
Either way, it means living with my parents that much longer. School doesn't allow for me to provide a house, pay the bills, etc. But neither does a temporary job.
I guess I'm really not torn. It is clear that it is school I want to do. I just am having anxiety over turning down a job. I am afraid of screwing up...again.
GAH!!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Apologies
Okay.
I wasn't there the first time. I knew. I hadn't moved out of state yet. And I wasn't there.
I called, you told me what it was, but I didn't really understand. It was too much to take in. I disappeared.
So.
Another friend called. "You may not want to be my friend after I tell you this."
I sit there on the phone, at work, thinking there wasn't anything that would cause me to stop being her friend. She tells me her story. I tell her, "so what? I don't blame you!" And we move on. Where was that attitude with you?
Then.
There I was. Trying to be single again. Trying to be a single mother. Living with my parents because I couldn't support the three of us. Working a full time job, but not having a clear plan for the future. I was depressed. Probably more so than I am aware, even now looking back. I was sad and lonely. I was in a situation where I felt the pressure to be what I wasn't...who I wasn't. What I saw in you, I couldn't reach in myself.
And.
I move. I try life back where it fell apart. I learn to support three people. I learn to be who I want to be. To live life the way I want to. I rediscover me. I find my inner strength. And change comes again. We move, again. And once again, I am back in my parents home. But this time I am strong enough to be me. Strong enough to handle this twist in life's road. And strong enough for you.
Now.
It's back and I'm back and we are back. And though this time I am here, I don't know how to be there for you. I don't know the right words to say, or what words not to say. I want to be a support. I hope I am a support. But I still don't really understand. It's not too much to take in though. I am ready this time.
My Point.
I failed as a friend the first time. I will not fail this time. So know that I've got your back. When you need a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend, I will be there. We've had an odd friendship over these past 25 years, filled with some amazing times. And I know we will make the next 25 unforgettable!
I wasn't there the first time. I knew. I hadn't moved out of state yet. And I wasn't there.
I called, you told me what it was, but I didn't really understand. It was too much to take in. I disappeared.
So.
Another friend called. "You may not want to be my friend after I tell you this."
I sit there on the phone, at work, thinking there wasn't anything that would cause me to stop being her friend. She tells me her story. I tell her, "so what? I don't blame you!" And we move on. Where was that attitude with you?
Then.
There I was. Trying to be single again. Trying to be a single mother. Living with my parents because I couldn't support the three of us. Working a full time job, but not having a clear plan for the future. I was depressed. Probably more so than I am aware, even now looking back. I was sad and lonely. I was in a situation where I felt the pressure to be what I wasn't...who I wasn't. What I saw in you, I couldn't reach in myself.
And.
I move. I try life back where it fell apart. I learn to support three people. I learn to be who I want to be. To live life the way I want to. I rediscover me. I find my inner strength. And change comes again. We move, again. And once again, I am back in my parents home. But this time I am strong enough to be me. Strong enough to handle this twist in life's road. And strong enough for you.
Now.
It's back and I'm back and we are back. And though this time I am here, I don't know how to be there for you. I don't know the right words to say, or what words not to say. I want to be a support. I hope I am a support. But I still don't really understand. It's not too much to take in though. I am ready this time.
My Point.
I failed as a friend the first time. I will not fail this time. So know that I've got your back. When you need a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend, I will be there. We've had an odd friendship over these past 25 years, filled with some amazing times. And I know we will make the next 25 unforgettable!
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