Decisions Decisions

So a job offer came in today.  A temporary job.  I had already convinced myself that I wasn't getting hired and had convinced myself that clearly school was the answer.  Then I get a voice mail saying if I'm still interested, call.

I am torn.

I feel like taking the job is the responsible thing to do.  But my mind is set on going back to school for the degree I never got the first time around.

My oldest son says stick with school.  With a degree, my chances of a better job, and better paying job, are much greater.

Either way, it means living with my parents that much longer.  School doesn't allow for me to provide a house, pay the bills, etc.  But neither does a temporary job.

I guess I'm really not torn.  It is clear that it is school I want to do.  I just am having anxiety over turning down a job.  I am afraid of screwing up...again.

GAH!!

Apologies

Okay.
I wasn't there the first time.  I knew.  I hadn't moved out of state yet.  And I wasn't there.
I called, you told me what it was, but I didn't really understand.  It was too much to take in.  I disappeared.

So.
Another friend called.  "You may not want to be my friend after I tell you this."
I sit there on the phone, at work, thinking there wasn't anything that would cause me to stop being her friend. She tells me her story.  I tell her, "so what?  I don't blame you!"  And we move on.  Where was that attitude with you?

Then.
There I was.  Trying to be single again.  Trying to be a single mother.  Living with my parents because I couldn't support the three of us.  Working a full time job, but not having a clear plan for the future.  I was depressed.  Probably more so than I am aware, even now looking back.  I was sad and lonely.  I was in a situation where I felt the pressure to be what I wasn't...who I wasn't.  What I saw in you, I couldn't reach in myself.

And.
I move.  I try life back where it fell apart.  I learn to support three people.  I learn to be who I want to be.  To live life the way I want to.  I rediscover me.  I find my inner strength.  And change comes again.  We move, again.  And once again, I am back in my parents home.  But this time I am strong enough to be me.  Strong enough to handle this twist in life's road.  And strong enough for you.

Now.
It's back and I'm back and we are back.  And though this time I am here, I don't know how to be there for you.  I don't know the right words to say, or what words not to say.  I want to be a support.  I hope I am a support.  But I still don't really understand.  It's not too much to take in though.  I am ready this time.

My Point.
I failed as a friend the first time.  I will not fail this time.  So know that I've got your back.  When you need a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend, I will be there.  We've had an odd friendship over these past 25 years, filled with some amazing times.  And I know we will make the next 25 unforgettable!

Spring once again

Once again I find that the loss of cold weather brings about the color I have been missing.  I love winter.  I love cold days and colder nights.  I love to layer my clothes and add scarves to everything.  Sadly we do not get much winter here.

Before I am ready, the days heat up.  The shine of the sun is brighter and lasts longer.   The humidity expands, thick enough to make you think you could have asthma.  But, pear trees flower and roses bloom and suddenly there is color in the world where there had been bare branches.  Color that you had forgotten about.

That is when I realize that I really do like Spring.  I love to get out and take pictures of the flowers and blooming landscapes.  I love to watch the animals frolicking about.  I love the feel of the sun as it burrows under my skin.  I love that I feel happier.

It's Been One Week

So, it has been one week of living in my parents home.  One week of finding the balance.  One week of my teenage boys sharing a room again after having five years of their own space.  One week of cooking for five instead of three.  One week of cleaning the old house only to come back to clean the new.  One week of learning a new schedule.  One week of determining a new family dynamic.  One week of saying I'm sorry, of you saying you are sorry.


One Week by the Barenaked Ladies keeps playing in my head...it kind of applies :)


It's been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side and said I'm angry
Five days since you laughed at me saying
Get that together come back and see me
Three days since the living room
I realized it's all my fault but couldn't tell you
Yesterday, you'd forgiven me
But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry

Hold it now and watch the hood wink
As I make you stop think
You'll think you're looking at aqua man
I summon fish to the dish although I like the Chalet Swiss
I like the Sushi 'cause it's never touched a frying pan
Hot like Wasabe when I bust rhymes
Big like Leann Rimes
Because I'm all about value
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits
You try to match wits, you try to hold me but I bust through
Gonna make a break and take a fake
I'd like a stinkin' achin' shake
I like vanilla, it's the finest of the flavors
Gotta see the show 'cause then you'll know
The vertigo is gonna grow
'Cause it's so dangerous
You'll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad?
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean? Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air and said you're crazy
Five days since you tackled me
I've still got the rug burns on both my knees
It's been three days since the afternoon
You realized it's not my fault not a moment too soon
Yesterday, you'd forgiven me
And now I sit back and wait till you say you're sorry

Chickity China of the Chinese chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Watchin' X files with no lights on
We're dans la maison
I hope the smoking man's in this one
Like Harrison Ford I'm getting frantic
Like Sting I'm Tantric
Like snickers guaranteed to satisfy
Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay, I don't make films
But if I did they'd have a Samurai
Gonna get a set of better clubs
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs
Just so my irons aren't always flying off the back swing
Gotta get in tune with sailor moon
'Cause the cartoon has got the boom Anime Babes
That make me think the wrong thing

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad?
Tryin' hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of losing my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me
Dropped your arms to your sides and said I'm sorry
Five days since I laughed at you and said
You just did just what I thought you were gonna do
Three days since the living room
We realized we're both to blame
But what could we do?
Yesterday, you just smiled at me
'Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry

It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry
It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry
Birch mount stadium, home of the Robbie

For Abbie

I remember being ten.
 
I remember not being satisfied with anything about me.
My hair wasn't blond enough, it wasn't long enough, it wasn't straight enough, but wasn't curly enough.
My eyes were brown.  I wanted blue eyes, or green.
I had huge freckles.
I thought my feet were too big, and I was too tall.
I was positive that my stomach was bigger than every one else's.
I felt that I wasn't smart enough, even though I was in the gifted and talented program.
I didn't think I was pretty.
I thought I was fat.
My teeth had gaps and were crooked.
I hated me.

Self image wasn't talked about then.  I didn't have anyone to share my feelings with.  I wouldn't have said anything anyway.  I wanted everyone to think I was in control.  I wanted everyone to think I was perfect.

I could tell you that this all got better in a few years.  But for me, the insecurities lasted into my thirties.  Not all of them, but it took me a long time to come to terms with my body.

What I have learned is:

My hair is never going to be perfect.  I change the color, the cut, whether it is straight, wavy, or curly.  I have fun with my hair now.
My eyes are brown and that is okay.  They are actually quite expressive and one of my better features.
My freckles actually aren't as bad as they used to be.  Not as big or dark.  Now, I think they are cute.
My feet are the size they should be in order for me to be as tall as I am.  I like how tall I am now.
My stomach is now bigger than some, smaller than others.  I could exercise and make it smaller, but I am happy with how I look.  People who really matter to me are happy with how I look too.
I am smart enough.  There are smarter people than me, and that is okay.  There are also people out there not as smart as me.  So long as I can do what I need to do, then I am good.
Pretty is so objective.  I have good days and bad days with that.  So long as I am pretty on the inside, then I am happy.  I would hate to be someone who people said was ugly inside.
I am not really fat.  I am out of shape.  Again, I could exercise, and I do sometimes, but it is just not my focus.  I think that so long as I am healthy, then I am all right.
The summer before eighth grade, I got braces.  They are still straight, with a tiny, little gap between my two front teeth.  It adds character.
I don't hate me anymore.  I am the best me I know how to be.  I can look in the mirror and say, Yeah, you're all right.

I still need to be in control, but I don't think that is a bad thing.  I don't need to be perfect.  No one can be perfect. Everyone has something that they don't like about themselves.  It just usually doesn't matter that much.

I know that I am not alone in my feelings.  I wasn't when I was ten, and I am not now.  

Inbetween

I am in a state of inbetween. Inbetween jobs. Inbetween a relationship. And inbetween homes. I have had to come to terms with this state of being. I have decided that being inbetween is not such the bad thing. I am not stopped. I am looking at where I have been, and calculating where I want to go. I am looking into the future. And in doing so I have realized three crucial points.

1) I have family to fall back on. Parents who are willing and happy to rearrange their lives to include me and my boys.

2) I have friends to fall back on. Those closest to me who support and nurture me when I need it most. The best of the best who choose to love me. No requirements for them.

3) I have my boys to fall back on. They have proven themselves to be well-adjusted and happy teenagers who don't hold their mother's failures against her. Two amazing boys who take life's kicks in stride and stand by my side, looking at the view of the future, offering their support. Their love.

I realize in the grand scheme things of things, I am not a failure. I took a calculated risk in a job that was not a guaranteed permanent position. I don't regret this decision. I had a six month amazing experience working with great people. I learned that I do not want a job that does not challenge me. I learned that my previous job was breaking me down from the inside out and is not an option to go back to. I learned that I have a lot to offer. Ultimately, I learned.

So now I prepare to pack up my belongings. Spring cleaning 101. Now is the time where I question every knick knack and donate all the clothes that "I might get back into one day". I am ready to say goodbye to a house that I really didn't like, though I will miss my privacy. I am ready to embark on a new journey in this same old life of mine. I am ready.

So in this inbetween that I am currently residing, I have planted flowers. My view is sunny with scattered fluffy clouds. My quest is to use this inbetween to better my future and that of my boys.

Game on!

February 2011

Cascade under, waterfall,

Release, retract, relief.

Obscure sense, weighted down,

Settled in opaque silence.

Pulled down, pulled in,

Alone in thought, alone in heart.

No word, no deed, no action,

Stand softly, floating.

Time moves, one stop by one stop,

Slow motion, tide pulls.

Dappled sunlight filters, stillness rises,

Dream, expect, desire; life aspires.